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Disturbing Thoughts

Lately I've been thinking... a lot. Been thinking about random things, that kind of disturbing me.
I'm thinking.....

Lately I was hospitalized and got 2 bags of blood transfusion, and yesterday I had my first check-up at the hospital and the nurse said my blood pressure is low (still), Oh-My-God! What's happening to me? Where did all the blood transfusion go? Did some random invisible vampires bit me in the middle of the night and suck up all the blood transfusion? God, I can't believe it.... I must be fine already. The nurse also said that I looked pale and she asked if I'm having cold sweat, and I said yes because I do. Then she gave me strange look, I was like... "what the hell is wrong with me?" and then I went to see the doctor she said I'm gonna have an endoscopy test the day after tomorrow. Well, I'm relieved at least she's gonna check out what's going on with me. I believed soon I'm gonna be healed, and gonna be a fully human again. Soon.

I can't really describe what I exactly feel inside. Empty, sorrow, lost, disappointed, confused, I don't know the rest feelings. I've been talking to someone I know, and she got me almost crying but I can't let it out... You know the feeling when you're really sad, you want to cry, you want to scream out loud, but all you can do is just sit there stare at the blank innocent wall. I wonder how my mind works, somehow I wanna clean it up from things I don't want to remember in mind, kick up some useless negative thoughts about people who simply don't even exist in my life anymore. I need.... sometime to myself alone, listening to music that would calm my soul.










I doubt that I'm a human... I doubt that I have a heart, because mine had been stolen for years.
I doubt what people say, I doubt it all....
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Anemia Got Me Hospitalized

I have this anemia for years actually, but just now it turned so bad and sent me to the hospital. It was 10th of July in the middle of the night, I was sent to the hospital emergency unit by my parents. I was like losing myself because I was trembling so much and also had a fever for like 40 degree Celsius. Three days was enough to give me so much pain, mostly on my wrist, the nurse injected needle so many times on my wrist. "I'm sorry, I can't find your vein" she said, and she keep injecting me all over my wrist. Worst, she injected my artery! And it was hurt so bad! Feels like 'oh shit! I wanna kill you now for doing that!', and you know what, she failed! Till now it leaves bruise on my left wrist around my artery, it colored blue and somehow purple, and it still hurts. So, she gave up and ended up calling her senior. I was still crying and terrified when the senior nurse came, "It'll be fine honey." she said, I bit my lips and held on my mum's hand even tighter than before. Few seconds later, I didn't feel anything, and voila, the needle was injected, and I was like, "oh..." She was right, it didn't hurt, I looked at her and she was smirking and left the room.


This is my first infuse ever. Look at the band aid,
so messy. This one is the most painful.
Three days I got so much pain, yucky plain foods, and boring sight from the window. Three days I only got my medicines by injection, I also got 2 bags of blood transfusion since my hemoglobin was so low like 8,5 of 12. That's why I got that blood transfusion. Enough said, I got all the pain while I was there.

The messy painful infuse finally
turned into...

This!



Some people went visit me, bringing some foods, or fruits, or cakes. That's the only good side of being hospitalized. Massive thanks to my mum who were there looked after me for 24/7. She's fasting but she never stop doing anything for me while I was there. But, she turns out like a fierce security when I got back home. "Shut your laptop now and go to sleep." , "You spend too much time on your tab! Go to sleep!" , "Drink your medicine and go to sleep! Don't you remember how painful it was when you were hospitalized?" See? She could be an angel and a fierce security sometimes.


Sunday, July 13th. The nurse said I might be go home because my hemoglobin was 10 of 12, so she said it was fine already for me. I'm so glad that I could be home again. Finally, no more antibiotic injection through my vein, no more blood transfusion, no more yucky foods. Back again to normal life, with less internet surfing, chatting and stuff. Lately, just bed, TV, foods, honey, medicines, mp3, and guitar somehow. I only allowed to touch laptop when my dad isn't really watching or when he's not around. But the warning from my mum just like a morning alarm, ringing every 5 mins, and how to snooze it? Just say, "Just a moment... I need to do this..." if it's ringing again, just make another excuses, as if it's important for me. But now, I feel my back hurt, so I guess it is my body warns me to really shut the laptop off now. Okay... Last but not least, there are few more photos below. Check it out. I'm off!



uhm.. I guess I rotated it before uploaded it..
But I don't know why it won't works!
Anyway, that was the view from my window.

Just another view from the window.
(I rotated it, I swear! But it won't work
again)
This is my mum, she helping me putting on my blanket.

The infuse was removed, I'm ready to go home. Yay!


And this is the bruise I told you about.
I took a pic of it just now.
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Happy Birthday Bunny Girl!

Remember the girl called Arini? Well today she’s turning 18! Congrats baby girl! You’re growing older! I feel bad because I didn’t buy you any good stuff for her present. I made a present on my own from useless stuffs instead, I call it memory map. I really don’t know what to do and what to make for a birthday present. After a long long time thinking, I finally remember that we love to take loads of selfies, so I decided to make a kind of scrapbook but not really a book, it’s more like map though. A map full of pictures that taken by ourselves or others, of ourselves or with the others. It’s not so much, but I hope you could remember me, our friends, and the time we’ve had and we’ve spent together.
I wish you the best in every way, I thanked God for letting me know such a person whose kind, not so caring, honest, annoying, funny and loyal like you. Thanks for being the second family in Malang. You know, you can count on me because I can count on you, and that’s what friends are for. Happy turning older girl! And thanks for the B’day lunch treat.


















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Random Close Friends : Nana

Nana
(Agrippina Putri Kangagung)

I admit it, she's the coolest girl I've ever met. Her face is kinda looking fierce, but on the other hand, she has a really soft kind heart. Her name is Nana, she was born in a beautiful island called Bali. It's awkward when I asked her does she come from, and she said Bali, and then I asked her to speak some Balinese words, and she refused it because she can't speak Balinese. She's half Chinese half Indonesian, but she looks 99% Chinese. She always angry when I talk or mention about her Chinese race, I'm not racist, I love Chinese race instead. But she thinks that it isn't cool for me to talk about it, and I don't wanna look for any trouble, so I stay away from that subject.

Nana, what can I say about her? Hmm... she loves reading manga, and she loves Korean boyband called EXO  if I'm not mistaken. As you know before, I can't get along with people who like K-pop, but this time it changed. I guess, nowadays I'm surrounded by K-pop lovers include Nana, but so far we can get along. We have so many differences, we don't even have something in common between us, our characters are different, she's young and I'm old (always). So, why am I getting closer with her? That's because we're partner in crime. We're not that bad, we sometimes just committed to do something normal kids don't do. And, Nana is a loyal friend, she has interesting thoughts, and she's a good listener. Nana, she loves to dressed in a boyish style, I've never seen her wearing any girly outfits. But that what makes her look cool. she may looked fierce and cold but deep inside if you knew her better, she's actually a sweet, kind hearted girl.

I don't remember when did the first time we get to know each other better and started to hanging out. All I can remember was the first time she bullied me physically, well not really bullying, but more like torturing. Yea, she loves to tickle on me till I feel my belly become so numb and I started to cry. Man, that was the hardest time in my life dealing with that girl. But now on 2nd semester, seem like we get along and we often hanging out together. Time by time, I start to know who Nana is. And if me, Nana and Arin get together, we're the best partner in crime.



We're such a perfect partner in crime.

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Random Close Friends : Sisca

Sisca
(Sisca Handayani Simamora)

This girl is actually has a Batak blood in her you can see that from her family name. But she grown up in the land of Java, near the state's Capital of Indonesia, yea... she has been raised in the metropolitan city, Tangerang. But I don't see her act such an arrogant girl like any other guys from big cities. She's a cool girl with the earphones on all the time, but she truly is a perky girl in a specific time I can tell. She told me that she's a singer for a church choir in her hometown, and now she joined the University choir

Well, I don’t really remember how and when we first met or talked, but all I can remember we were getting closer since we’re destined to be a group on study program orientation day. After that day we found some things in common, like, we love to sing, she’s a singer of the University choir and I’m a singer of the faculty choir, we’re soprano, but the different is she's a pro singer and I'm just an amateur singer. We love to dance too, that’s why we join the Chinese dance club together, and then we kinda have same sense of humor, and we both enjoy to be weird or freak as long as the timing is perfect. Lately I found out that she loves to taking selfies like I and Arin do! If we three are being together, my photo gallery will be filled  with our selfies. I don't know, it's like we're never get boring of that. Is that disease? I don't know...  

Sisca, her name is Sisca, but most of people spell it with ‘K’ instead of ‘C’ so it would be Siska, and she hates it so much when people write her name wrong like that. She’s a good girl I could say, she always sitting on the front row seats in the class, what a smartass. While me, Arin, and Nana, we much prefer to sitting in the back, since Arin loves to take a nap during the class, Nana loves to draw, while me, I can do all of them, you know… random. But Sisca, her eyes always straight to the lecturer and her right hand is always ready to write anything the lecturer said. Once, I ever borrowed her book, and oh! There are too many information there! I can even barely read her handwriting since she writes real fast like a doctor. She really deserves an A+ in every subject, me think. Sisca and I also love to have conversation in Mandarin, though our vocabularies aren’t so many and our grammar is so messy sometimes but we just love to practice it, especially when we wanted to say something secret in public, lol! Sisca and I apparently love to make jokes about mostly anything. But when it comes to the serious moment, we could shed a tear together, what an emotional girls. We love to act crazy when we see cool boys around. I just can’t hold my laughter when I’m with her. 

One day, she was about to have a choir concert and Chinese dance performing on the same day, and she supposed not to laugh or even speak. The day before her show, we were rehearsing our Chinese dance for tomorrow’s show, and then she stayed in my boarding house because it was too late for her to come back to her boarding house. We already planned and vowed to ourselves to directly go to sleep once we arrived in my room. But man… it’s just so hard not to talk and laugh. And yea… we broke our own promise…. In fact, we laughed out loud till midnight. I feel bad for letting her stayed a night in my place a day before her choir concert, I worried about her voice but she wasn’t really worried so much about it. Finally, I insisted her to sleep because I don’t want her to ruin her own concert lol. Naah, that’s all because we both need to save our energy for we would have 2 upcoming events tomorrow. At last, the next day in the afternoon we’ve done the Chinese dance performing practically well, and after that she rushed to go to another place to prepare her concert which will be held few hours ahead. I was there in her choir concert, and she really nailed it. She had such an everlasting stamina. Thumbs up for you girl.

I’m happy and feeling grateful to meet and know a person like Sisca, I learn so much from her. FYI, she’s younger than me one year. But her mind and her experiences are quite much, too much to mention. I hope we could be friends till we both grow old, and we could still laugh together.


This is us at the masquerade party 

Chinese dance performing at Ma Chung University


I told you, we love being weird together..



After Sisca's performing at University choir concert

That's her on the stage

That's me after performing on faculty choir concert.
From left, Anasya, me, Sisi, and Sisca

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Random Close Friends : Arin

In this University Era that I’m living in, I met various people. They come and go, but only few of them who would like to stay, I call them close friends. They came from different areas, or even different island, we even have different religion, we have different skin colour, and we have various height. But that what makes us getting closer, and that’s why I called them close friends.

Arin
(Arini Amirah Hidayat)

This girl is so random, she has been living in a various places in Indonesia. Once upon a time, I ever asked her, “Where were you born?”, she said, “Papua Island.”, I was shocked! Incase if you didn’t know, Papua Island is the land where majority black people live. So I was like Karen Smith in Mean Girls movie, “If you were born in Papua, why are you white??!”. That was the rudest question I’ve ever asked to people. Luckily she wasn’t get offended by that. So she started to explain that her mum is a Makassar person (part of region in Sulawesi Island, where many white clean skinned people live), and her dad is a Javanese, was born in Banyuwangi. She also told me that after she was born in Papua Island, her parents brought her to Sulawesi by a Helicopter, and then she grown up in Palangkaraya in Kalimantan Isand, after that she moved and lived alone in an Islamic Dormitory High School in Jakarta. That was a long story of her ….

First time I met Arin, my impression to her was, she looked like a high class girl who can’t be friends with random people. I also thought that she’s a very calm girl. We weren’t that close in 1st semester, because our class were different, and we rarely met each other at campus. I remember the thing that made us kind of closer each other was ‘selfie’. Yea, we both love taking selfies. Time after time, I finally know her more and more, and getting closer. We started to know what each other’s likes and dislikes, each other’s characters, and so on. Other thing that make us connected each other is our family is almost the same. My mother and hers are love taking pictures with wow expressions, our mothers have same attitude, and lately my mother likes to be Arin’s personal therapist, telling her wise words when she’s felling down, and sometimes telling unnecessary things to her. Well I just hope that she doesn’t get disturbed by my mum. Second, we have sibling who were born in the same month. Arin’s brother was born in 20th October 2000, while my sister was born in 21st October 1998. Our sibling is having the exact same attitude and characters. I find it interesting when we both met, we talked about each other’s family, talked about how annoying our sibling is, and sometimes we cried together when we were talking about that, because we often missed home. Especially Arin, she has been away from her family for about 9 months. That’s why sometime when we both free, I asked her to come home with me, to meet my mother, my sister, and my father, to make her feel like home, though it wasn’t her real house and family.

Arin is the closest friend of them all. Because we often hanging out together, we have many things in common, and we ridiculously have the exact same experience of being hurt by someone, and exact same love hurt story but of course, with different person. One day we were listening to a song on youtube, and we both cried, because we felt exactly the same. We also often coincidentally wear same outfits, sometimes in the same colour or same style. If that happened, we just stare each other, laugh, and say, “What the hell are you wearing!”, or “Heeey! I hate you!!”, or even just, “Stop copying my style!”. I just love when that funny moment happened.

Who said that we always have things in common? In some cases we have different desire. Our music desires are very different. I like classic, pop, jazz, and oldies songs, while she likes country, and sometimes rock music which for me is very annoying. But that don’t matter for us. We also have different desire of a guy. But sometimes we were gazing each other and smile like an idiot, when we saw a cool guys around.

Another things about Arin, she’s 2 years younger than me, but she often has wise thoughts or wise sayings. People who know me but don't know Arin always thought that she's older than me. but in fact, she's so much younger than me, not that much, just 2 years younger. She also has that pretty cute chubby face, but she hates her chubby cheeks. She has acnes, and it can be worse if she eats any oily or spicy foods. Rule number one if you go out with her, don't you ever ask her what she wanna eat, because you'll never gonna figure it out. She loves to play with time -_-   But after all, she's a very kind-hearted girl.

Look at us then, it was taken September 2013.
We're such a happy freshman students.

And look at us now, it was taken few days ago.
We're such a frustrated uni students who loves taking selfies,
even though we're in class, and look at that masker on Arin's chin,
didn't even care if she's sick,
we just love the pictures of our face in camera yaay YOLO!

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My Old Laptop Is Back!

Look! She's my old mate, few days ago I found her inside of the shelf. She was my first laptop, she accompanied me when I was having a tough time in High School. She's totally fine, it's just the monitor's hasps broken. I was trying to connect it to the internet, but always failed. And just today, just now, she surprised me! I didn't know how and why it worked suddenly. Oooooo I don't know what to say... I'm just super excited that she's finally back, plus, I can use the internet as well.

July 22, 2010, was the first time I met her. My dad gave it as a present. And now it's still alive! What a blessing laptop!


She's just fine
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